He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about five or six of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off.
Bartender says to Santa, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?"
Santa sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole month!"
The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?"
Santa replied, "Well today's the last day!"
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Joke: The Last Day
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Thursday, November 22, 2007
Working Ghost
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones."Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Joke: Tragic News
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.""I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?""No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Joke: Accident Scene
Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.
His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."
"Just put the jacket on backwards," his friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.
Banta came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well," Banta explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."
"Just put the jacket on backwards," his friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.
Banta came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well," Banta explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Joke: Nescafe Account
The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.Nescafe official, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."
"Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all Catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million."
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .....
The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church will get $ 500 million."
"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"Sadly" says the Pope, "We would have to lose the Britannia Account
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Joke Of The Day
Top Reasons Eminem's Wife Filed for Divorce
--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was.
--Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women.
--Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse.
--Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants...
--Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON.
--Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Faggot!" while watching "Mr. Rogers".
--Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35.
--I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!!
--Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum.
...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . .
--Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive bastard. Would like to try a poor, unknown abusive bastard for a change.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
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